Have you ever found yourself deeply worried about someone you love — perhaps a parent, a child, a partner, or a close friend? When we care for someone with all our heart, their happiness becomes inseparable from our own. Their smile lights us up. Their struggles weigh us down.
Sometimes, this concern becomes so intense that it feels like we are worried sick. We often explain it by saying, “I’m very attached to them.” But what does it really mean to care deeply for someone — and how can we take care of them, especially when we feel helpless?
Thich Nhat Hanh, the beloved Zen master, shares a story from the Pali Canon that offers gentle wisdom for such moments.
The Father and the Daughter on the Bamboo Stick
There once lived a father and daughter who were very poor. They had no family other than each other. To survive, they performed on the street. Their act involved the father balancing a long bamboo stick on his forehead while the daughter climbed to the top. Crowds would gather, and the money they earned from the show would be just enough to buy food for the day.
One morning, the father said to his daughter,
“My dear child, we have only each other in this world. This performance is very dangerous. If you fall and hurt yourself, we won’t have anything to live on. So you must take care of me, and I must take care of you.”
He spoke from love — and fear. His heart was burdened with worry for her safety, and also their survival.
But the daughter, wise beyond her years, gently smiled and said,
“Father, when you are balancing the stick, I am so far away at the top. The only way you can take care of me then, is to make sure you hold the base steady. You remain very alert. And as for me, when I am climbing on the stick, I need to make sure I am climbing carefully. So that you are safe on the ground. I must remain steady when I am balancing myself on the stick.”
“So what you must say instead is that I must take care of myself to be able to take care of you. And you must take care of yourself, to be able to take care of me. In this way, we both can be safe, and look after each other.”
Thay (as Thich Nhat Hanh was lovingly called) reminds us that in our concern for those we love, we often focus on what they must do or how they must feel. But we forget that our most powerful contribution is to take care of ourselves — our thoughts, our emotions, our balance.
If I stay grounded, I can support you better. If you stay balanced, you can support me. That is how we care for one another — not by drowning in worry, but by standing firm in love.
But What If They’re in Pain?
We often see that when our loved ones go through difficult times, it is hard for us to stay calm. Many of us ask “How can I be alright when they are suffering?”
Brahma Kumari Sister Shivani shares a helpful analogy to help us keep perspective in such circumstances. Imagine that a family of four is walking down the road. One of them fails to notice a ditch ahead of him and falls into it. What should the other three do? Should they help the fourth person get out , or become so desolate that they fall into the ditch themselves?
When we let worry, anxiety, or fear overtake us, we lose our capacity to help. Our emotional chaos can feed into others, instead of healing them. However, if we choose to hold on to hope, speak uplifting words, and radiate calm strength, we become the anchor they need.
So if someone you love is in pain—don’t fall into the ditch with them. Stay steady. Hold your spirit high, so you can lift theirs. That is how we truly take care of each other.
Reference
(This article was first published on The Sabad Project)
Reflection question
Is there a situation in your life right now where you are being mindful of taking care of yourself — your thoughts, your energy, your emotions — so that you can better take care of someone you love?